i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
sarcasm needs its own font
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
