We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
