I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
