Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He did a backflip because drugs
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