The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
