I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
