i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
