I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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