somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
