Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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