She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
