The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
