I have demons in me.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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