btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
