i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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