Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
