tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
