I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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