I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I smell like Dick and happiness
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
