Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
