So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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