There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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