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I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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