In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
