there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
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