"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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