I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
