dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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