Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I deserve this hangover.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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