@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
