i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
