You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
