I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
