it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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