It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
