Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
