Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
