My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
