Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
