oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
