oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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