You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
