he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
