There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
