If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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