And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
