bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
