Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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