So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
