i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
